This is a photo of my latest work in progress. When I moved to Ramsgate I had the idea of painting a series of portraits of Ramsgate artists. I thought it would be a good way of introducing myself to the local artistic community, I could promote my portrait work, and I might find some interesting subjects. So what happened? I had a run of four commissions which seem to have taken as many months to finish. Good for the bank balance, but not so good for this particular project. And then I got covid, which seemed to linger forever. I lost my studio, and then I sold my boat and moved away from Ramsgate. Oh well.
The sitting took place in November last year. Fingers crossed that I can finish it soon 🙂 The sitter was Ramsgate composer and sound artist Emily Peasgood. She is an amazing artist and I was so pleased that she found the time to sit for me. You can check out her work here: emilypeasgood.com
I recently came across a call for artists for The Art of Grieving exhibition in 2022. This immediately caught my attention and I sent them a photo of the above painting. When they asked for “a description of the circumstances in which it was created or the inspiration behind its creation” I sat down and wrote the following for them:
I lost my partner Veronica to a long term illness on Christmas Eve 2009. What I remember most from the period leading up to Veronica’s death, apart from the constant state of physical and mental exhaustion, was the increasing sense of loneliness, as friends called on us less frequently and we slowly withdrew from the world. After her passing, there was just this dark void – a sense of emptiness. For a few months I felt compelled to paint her. I was trying to preserve my memory of her before it faded; I have never worked so hard. I completed three paintings, and then felt myself falling into the void again. I started this painting, but didn’t manage to finish it before I gave up painting. It was a few years before I returned to painting, but it wasn’t until 2019 that I felt able to return to this particular painting. It only needed a few touches to finish it. It had been finished all along, it was just that I had not been able to look at it for all that time.
I was surprised at just how upset I became in trying to recall that period over ten years ago. It got me thinking about that dark time in my life; how I got through it and the life choices I made in the process.
Veronica
The carer. For a long while I was “the carer”. I can’t remember when this role began. It started innocently, with a friendly request by Veronica to accompany her to her hospital appointment, and then years later I had fully joined the battle. By then everything else was put aside – work, art, socialising, holidays – as Veronica and I focused on trying to get the best treatment for her illness, and monitored her declining health. And in the end, when she was less able, it was left to me alone to make all the decisions. It was scary, and very lonely. The bereaved. For the longest time I felt broken. After an initial frenzy of activity, where I finished those paintings that I had planned when Veronica was still alive, I then entered a prolonged period of emptiness. I lived on autopilot. I did not know what I was going to do, but I did know that I could not return to my old life pre-carer. All those things I had worked so hard for didn’t seem to matter anymore.
Relationships Series No.4
The artist. I remember the day that art saved me. A friend had offered to pose for a portrait, which had slowly stirred me from my stupor. But then, after I had gone to the trouble of buying a canvas and setting everything up, they casually said they had changed their mind. When I complained to them, they couldn’t understand why I was so upset, and just said “it’s more important to you than it is to me”. And that was the moment I realised, yes, this portrait was very important to me. Just the anticipation of it was exciting. It wasn’t just this portrait though. It was art. It gave me a purpose and made me feel alive again. Within a year I had thrown away my furniture to use my lounge as a studio, and a few years later I sold my house so that I could afford a studio.
I must admit to being very pleased with where they placed my painting. I can see why they did it; the splash of red in my work sits nicely next to Ms Emin’s piece. The whole exhibition has been cleverly arranged with similar decisions throughout. It was an aesthetically pleasing experience going from room to room, and I’d strongly recommend a visit.
detail from American Dreamer
An even nicer surprise was when Ms Emin left a nice comment on my Instagram post. It can be a hard slog being an artist. Lonely and largely unrewarding, with prolonged periods of rejection and dejection just briefly interspersed with the briefest glimmers of hope. So it’s nice when someone from the Artistic Aristocracy says something nice to you. Thank you Tracey.
Men in Suits, including Prince Andrew, Epstein, Weinstein
Who are these men in suits, staring lasciviously at a group of young naked women performing a macabre dance for their pleasure? Is that Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein along with Harvey Weinstein?
I will try to explain, but first I have to thank Michael Armitage for helping me finish this painting. Well, not the man himself (I’ve never met him, and no doubt he’s never heard of me), but his masterpiece “#mydressmychoice”.
I’d been struggling with my painting for a few years – constantly repainting and changing the background. I knew what I wanted to say, but didn’t know how to say it. And then, about this time last year, while looking around the Radical Figures exhibition at the Whitechapel Gallery, I had my eureka moment. I had stumbled upon Michael Armitage’s superb painting #mydressmychoice and suddenly it seemed so obvious what I had to do.
detail of the painting #mydressmychoice by michael armitage
I needed a collection of seedy, smirking, sweaty middle aged men to fill the background – all dressed in suits with patent leather shoes. So who could I choose? That was easy; you can find them everywhere: A disgraced politician; a Prince of the Realm; convicted sex offenders Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein. I even added my own likeness, leering in the top left, standing next to someone wearing a mask, who could well be you.
The problem with this painting was that it had originally been intended as part of a larger composition with a different story. I abandoned that project, after spending an awful lot of time and money on it – it just didn’t work visually when I scaled it up to full size. But I did like this particular section, and the sentiment it evoked. And so I continued working on it. For four whole years. But still it didn’t work. And then I saw Michael Armitage’s painting, and I knew how to fix it. So, after nearly four years of frustratingly little progress, it turned out to be quite easy to finish the painting in the end. Below is a short video of me adding the figures to the background.
For the past few weeks I’ve been busy painting scenes around me here in Ramsgate Marina. I brought my boat here earlier this year, but have only recently been able to stay onboard for a spell. Having just finished a couple of commissions, and with other projects being delayed, I started looking around me for something to paint.
I must admit that it has been more of a challenge than I expected. When you specialise in one subject for such a long time (portraits and figures in my case) every step in your work flow will have been optimised for that subject. So when you tackle a novel subject, it is rather like starting over again.
detail from Ramsgate Marina
These wonderful red brick arches that loom over the marina, have begun to haunt me, as I struggle with finding a way to describe them. It has led to some soul-searching: why am I painting them; what exactly am I trying to say; what is the point? This self-doubt isn’t that unusual for me. I believe it is healthy to constantly question yourself, and to have a clear objective in mind when you embark on a project. So what am I doing with these paintings? I suppose I’m looking for a story; something to describe my time and personal experience here in Ramsgate. My experience staying on a boat will be different to the typical day tripper. You quickly become aware that it is very much a working port, home to Border Force vessels, an RNLI station and assorted fleet of work boats. Having sailed here, I am ever mindful of the wrecks marked on charts of the harbour approaches. And the latin motto PERFUGIUM MISERIS, carved into the lighthouse at the end of the pier (translates as “refuge for those in need”) seems really quite poignant now.
detail from Ramsgate Royal Harbour
So, I’m still exploring the area, looking for stories to tell. If you are from this area, and know of any interesting places, characters or stories that need telling, please do get in touch.
If you are interested in buying any of the paintings in my galleries, don’t hesitate to send me an email (address on Contact Page)
